2012 has been off to sort of a rough start for me. Even though we are only a little over one month into the year, there have been certain difficulties I've already encountered this year which have been making things somewhat hard for me to get through each day. I really hope the rest of this year is a little bit better to me, but for the time being, all of the things I've been going through have made me very introspective.
Through a lot of reflection on my past, my present situation, and the future I hope for, I have realized that there are 3 men who have and will continue to influence the man I am today and the man I hope to become in the future more than any one else. These 3 men are my dad, myself, and the Lord Jesus. By using one of my new favorite outlets for expressing my emotions, I have written the following "letter" to these men, and if I somehow had an opportunity to sit down and talk with all 3, the following is what I would feel like saying to them at the present time, in quasi-poem form.
Dear Jesus,
I won't take up too much of Your time,
I know everyone in this world needs You, so that's fine.
Just gimme a second to empty my brain,
Before I hit the road again feelin like I've gone insane.
I've been readin about You Man, I'm amazed by You man,
You're workin on makin me the best man that You possibly can.
I know you understand my heart, and why I'm feelin down.
I also know You know how cold I feel when I think You're not around.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to know You'll die at 33,
Sometimes I'd rather have that because I'm terrified to live to 60 if it's just gonna be me.
The fear gives me this pain in my stomache's pit,
And I start to think maybe that's my punishment.
For those nights I got drunk and let go,
And came back empty after lookin for a pot of gold.
Or for all the times that the fallenness of this place
Made me make my own plans to just try and escape.
I need a lot more patience, and I don't understand Your plan,
All I know is I need You to help me stand.
It trips me out how You've changed up all my traits,
From the way that I talk to the moves that I make.
I wanna be just like You, but there's still so much that needs a broom,
To sweep away all this mess I've made. Did You really cry at Lazarus' tomb?
It brings tears to my eyes to think the One who was and is and will be,
Cares about the lives of ordinary people just like me.
I see the way they paint You, man I know You're not that frail,
You were strong enough to make all the temple merchants bail.
I don't know much when it comes to women,
I've learned to drive safe and slow, but still know nothin bout the engine.
Just keep it up, You're doin good Lord, that's all I really meant.
I love You, can't make it through without You. Thanks for listening.
Dear Brad,
What up yo? How it goes?
Oh me? Well you know, same old same old.
Sorry that my phone calls aren't too routine,
I'm just livin on this globe tryin to do my thing.
Sometimes the weeks fly by a little too fast,
Sometimes I go to sleep feelin kinda trashed,
Sometimes I'm not sittin on enough cash,
And sometimes today feels too much like the past.
Those times at night when I would watch y'all fight,
A child wondering why his life just aint all right.
What's this violence about? Why's it in my house?
Even the memories are turned up too loud.
Yea there's lots of issues in my head,
And I didn't start fixin them back when she left us.
I'm not tryin to get you down, I know you're different now,
But this little man just wants you to listen now.
I'm approachin 30, can't maintain relations,
Seems like women just wanna hurt me and I just don't have the patience.
I can't get close to most, and those I can ain't much help,
Because they start to push and pull the buttons and I'm not sure I trust myself.
What that mix of loneliness, alcohol, and hormones might do,
Plus I'm afraid of my fate, don't wanna turn out like you.
But I've never hit a woman, and I don't get drunk,
And for that alone I love you and I wanna thank you, old man.
Dear Colin,
What's goin on? Not much to say.
Just checkin in with you tryin to see what's wrong today.
I know there's always something givin you bruises,
How's the love? How's the schoolin? How's the self-abusiveness?
You've got a lot to lose, it weighs down your shoulders,
And so you let your paranoia place your bets for ya.
Too many cigarettes, they've messed up your voice.
Too many arguments, they've tested your poise.
The only women that love you are friends and family,
Mom still gives you question marks, and friends leave you randomly.
No heavy rotation in any location,
When are you gonna face that you have no steady vocation?
10 years out of high school, and you still have no degree,
You've disappointed yourself, and people see you in a way that you just can't see.
Plus you're getting old and you're gonna get exhausted.
Stop it! You make me think that you've lost it.
You're preachin for these people that you don't know,
When you should be at home mindin your own.
And then you're on the telephone,
Fightin for a girl
Like it's you against the world.
Sometimes you're not impressed with the work you've done,
And love isn't love if it doesn't hurt some one.
You still say "hi dad," dad still says "what's up,"
And I hope some day I can say "I love you,"
But for now all I can really say is "good luck."
No comments:
Post a Comment